GOING PAPERLESS

To me and my generation of windbags there was no higher purpose than keeping our families safe and well provided for. My wife Betty is a battle-ax. She's a crotchety pit bull who never misses an opportunity to shrivel my scrotum to the size of a black olive. But I have never doubted for even one second her love for me and the kids and that I can count on that devotion until the day the worms start noshing on my eyeballs.

My kids? Their great calling in this new world is toward leading a "frictionless" life.

Smart phones, smart utilities, smart clothing, driverless cars, kindles, Google glass, Google watch and everything else that comprises what they unadroitly call "the internet of things."

One night while driving around Albany looking for an open gas station I stopped at this tiny, pizzeria called Napoli Gusto or something like that and asked the proprietor for directions. This short, athletically built guy with a stained red and green apron and a crisp black moustache insisted I sit down, relax and have a glass of wine with him. I guess I looked agitated or something because he wouldn't take no for an answer.

I never heard of a pizzeria that served wine - the two places in Elmira, Tony C's and Pompeii were of the no-nonsense slice and coke variety - so I was astonished when I saw Carlo, the owner, reach for a narrow, flexible rubber tube connected to a barrel behind the bar and siphon a carafe's worth of red. He planted two glasses on the table and we toasted to St. Anthony the patron of lost things.

Two hours and two big plates of baked ziti later he sent me around the corner to the 24 hour full service Shell station.

The enchantment of the serendipity is beyond the expertise of Siri, unavailable to Google Maps, and inconceivable under Maze. No GPS app will surrender its efficacy to the extraneous or the accidental.

Our "intelligent" devices have made us stupid and lazy. The only thing left to chance these days is whether or not there will be free Wi-Fi at the new Vaping lounge.

And speaking of friction, I wonder if these techies can still wipe their own asses?