COME GATHER 'ROUND PEOPLE

I'm not one for customer complaint. The wise injunction of Caveat emptor typically dissuades me from pursuing any kind of consumer dissatisfaction beyond a general explosion of vulgar invective. But I recently received the Christmas catalog of The Great Learning Company - a formidable enterprise that offers college level courses on DVDs - and for the first time in my long life I was prompted to express my grievances in the form of a letter.

Dear The Great Learning Company,

I want to begin by thanking you for filling the glaring chasms in my faulty education. For almost twenty years you have guided me like Virgil through the Underworld (Great Learning: Course no. 4907) addressing the awful omissions of my costly yet inadequate college education. As an engineering major I scarcely gave a second thought to The Greek and Roman Worlds (Great Learning: Course no. 3301) nor to The Treasures of The Uffizi (Great Learning: Course no. 4009). Thanks to you, art and the humanities have opened themselves up to me and I have become an avid life long autodidact.

But even more importantly, it was through our common interest - dare I say passion - for The Great Learning Company that my wife Betty and I first recognized the profound bond between us. From the day I noticed her at Starbucks, ear-budded and riveted to Milton's Paradise (Great Learning: Course no. 2001), I knew that I had finally found a kindred spirit. Betty was a paragon of Brains and Beauty (Great Learning: Course no. 2200) who was at home in the world of ideas as she was in The Realm of the Senses (Great Learning: Course no. 4104).

Sadly, times have changed and with the times both you and Betty have dumbed down beyond recognition. Though I fully understand the difficulty in remaining profitable in this highly competitive atmosphere it is nonetheless lamentable that your once venerable company now concentrates primarily on courses like Happiness and Yoga Therapy (Great Learning: Course no. 7080), Six Secrets to Confidence and Success (Great Learning: Course no.7309) and Sophocles and Fitness: How Antigone Can Help You Control Your Cholesterol (Great Learning: Course no. 7398).

You've not only lost me as a devoted customer but in your attempt to seize the spirit of the age you have lost Betty as well. My wife no longer has the patience to pore over the terza rima of the Purgatorio (Great Learning: Course no. 2379)  nor does she find comfort in Maimonides' Guide for the Perplexed (Great Learning: Course no. 1980) and when she needs to monitor her intake of carbs she consults the Huffington Post and not Human Physiology and Weight Loss (Great Learning: Course no. 8093) or Decisive Diets and The Will To Live (Great Learning: Course no. 8110).

Please remove me from you mailing list or as they say in the world of social media, 'unlike.'

Sincerely,

Clement Digby

Of course I'm nearly certain that my letter will remain unread. After all, I wrote it on a piece of paper.